Saturday, May 31, 2008

What does it take?

If you've read this blog, then you realize that I have a daughter, Sara. Sara is the apple of my eye, she really makes life worth it, and if I had it to do all over again, I'd pick her every time. Not having a son, however leaves me with some pearls of wisdom that may not be directly applicable to my heiress.

Thank God for the internet.

Here is a list of things that I believe necessary for one to claim membership into the kingdom of manhood. The list is (for now) in no certain order. I may get around to sorting and editing it later as time permits, but in the interest of providing information in a timely manner, I am publishing it as a work in progress.

1) Know how to change a flat tire.
If you drive (or try to drive) a car, you should know how to put a spare tire onto your car. Just because you carry a cellphone and have AAA on speedial (RAC for those of you in the UK) doesn't let you off the hook. If you get a flat while driving your girl somewhere, you better get out, and make it look like you know what the hell you're doing. Nothing says wussie like being stuck at the side of the road, waiting for some guy named Sam in a tow-truck to show you his butt-crack, smile at your girl and overcharge you for something you should know how to do. It's only 5 friggin nuts fer Christ sake!

2) Know how to drive a car.

That's right. DRIVE. I'm not talking about managing to get your Mom's mini-van from point A to point B. I'm talking about Driving. Use your turn signals, don't tailgate people, and if someone behind you is going faster than you are, get the hell out of the left lane. While you're at it, learn how to drive a damn stick-shift. If you can't, you may as well tuck your nut-sack up between your ass cheeks and pretend you're a girl. And for the love of God, pay attention when you're driving. I saw some asswipe doing a crossword puzzle on Rt 46 the other day, newspaper propped on the steering wheel as he was travelling at 50mph. What an Asshat. Don't be that guy.

3) Don't dress like an idiot.


I really don't have much sense of style. I do know, however that the top of the pants, you know, the part with the belt loops, are made to be worn ABOVE THE FRIGGIN ASS. Nothing makes you look like more of a moron, than shuffling around town with your pants halfway down.

4) Get a Job.

If you're independently wealthy, this still applies. And not some cakewalk job at Daddies company either. Go out into the world, and earn your own living. Learn how to deal with an asshole boss, and if you are a boss, learn how not to be an asshole. Don't expect something for nothing, earn your money. And know your worth.

5) Be able to fix things.

Nothing says "Turn in your 'Y' chromosome" more than being stymied by a blocked drain, unlit pilot light or malfunctioning small appliance. If you're family is freezing and can't make toast because of your inadequacies, you may as well hang it up. And don't give me that bullshit excuse that it's not worth your time to fix the toaster, that you make more per hour than it costs to fix it. If you were really working right now, what the hell are you doing trying to make toast? Get back to work!

6) Know your limitations

the converse of #5. Don't go taking on jobs that are too big for you. Electrocuting yourself trying to change a light switch because you're too damn stupid to turn off the power is just plain stupid. And if that cute nurse knew how you really hurt yourself, you wouldn't stand a chance with her.

7) Learn how to handle a gun.

Yes, I said it.  Firearms are just like any tool. Learn how to use and care for one, even if you never plan on owning one.  I'm sure that my left-leaning friends will disagree, but someday you may have a family, or  something else worth protecting, and you should know how to protect it.  Fortune favors the prepared.

8) Learn stuff.

Don't be ignorant. It's not attractive. If you are interested in something, learn all you can about that subject. You like photography? Learn what an F-Stop is. Do you enjoy woodworking? Learn about the tools and techniques involved. In short, make yourself useful. If you're not into sports, that's fine but you should still learn enough to be able to converse with people about them. Sometimes it's good enough to not look like an idiot. It's always better to not *be* an idiot.



More to come...

1 comment:

christine said...
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