Friday, May 05, 2006

F$%K YOU old man...

I bring you this post by popular demand.

Let me take you back a few years, to Circa 1999. I was working for a small investment bank in Manhattan. My usual day started out with a 1 1/2 hour trip into NYC, and upon arrival I would proceed directly to Starbucks™ and buy a Grandé coffee.

On this particular morning, I had purchased said coffee and was traversing Times Square, with my coffee in one hand, and in true yuppie fashion, checking my voicemail on my then cutting-edge, Nextel i1000™ Phone. As I stepped onto the curb of 42nd and Broadway, a man, who looked to be in his 70's shouted to me

"That'll kill you."

I was apparently paying more attention to retrieving my voicemail because the only response I offered the man was an inquisative look. The older gentleman then began to scream

"Microwaves! they'll kill you!"

And again, I didn't fully comprehend his warning, certainly not to his satisfaction, because when I looked at my coffee, (wondering if he thought Starbucks™ actually used microwave ovens to heat their coffee. He elaborated on his rant.

"CELLPHONES! they have microwaves!!!" he bellowed. I imagine the shrug I offered him wasn't exactly the emotion he was aiming for because he follwed that with "I hope you DIE!"

Well, let me tell you, my attention had been successfully diverted from my voicemail, and directed towards this elder gentleman.

He had a somewhat scruffy look about him. He had something dangling around his neck, it could have been a camera, or perhaps binoculars, I wasn't paying rapt attention. After delivering his wishes for my early demise, he stood there with half a grin breaking through the stubble of his beard, waiting for my response.

I didn't dissapoint.

After the realization hit me, and remember I still hadn't had enough coffee for me to function at full capacity, I mustered up my most scornfull look and in a commanding voice, shouted "FUCK YOU OLD MAN!"

This had the most gratifying effect of shriveling the troublemaking old bastard - he actually appeard to shrink a few inches in stature, and he slunk off to bother some other poor, undercaffinated soul.

I gotta tell you though, I sure felt pretty damn good after that. Something about yelling obscenities at strangers is highly liberating.

I Must have management potential.



Keith said...

I get the biggest shit eating grin on my face whenever I hear/read that story!

pate said...

The world is a dangerous place. Do NOT delve into peril and tamper with a co-worker's coffee lid. It may be the last thing you do!